Somethings, ...hurt in more then one way!

I have hit an emotional brick wall, One that leaves me shattered and completely torn.
I encountered an issue this past weekend. I didnt know it was coming, and it left me feeling quite divided.
I spent the week doing what needed to be done. My household chores, grocery shopping, preparing meals, doing laundry, Homeschooling, finding several minutes amidst the daily chaos to talk to God....Even the occasional meltdown privately in the tub where i potentially pulled out too much hair.....
I was relieved when this last weekend finally arrived. It meant that I had some time to get away from the chaos. To spend time with some of the most caring and wonderful girls. On the other hand, I was scared to leave the kids, to leave my husband. And the Fear of all the things that could go wrong, finally consumed me. The phobia I face daily of the multiple ways my children or husband could perish, the billions of ideas that could happen, the fear that when I was gone the whole world I created would come crumbling down. I know that its very unlikely and semi- morbid to even think, but that's an issue I face daily. A mental imposition, or imbalance that the world around will some how meltdown without my controlling every aspect of it. Sick I know.

I went to the Womens Retreat. Excited, Happy, but battling a phobia inside. Ready to encounter Gods message and make the most out of my time. Also with the constant thought that I had recently come upon the blessed dilemma that my period was now 2 1/2 weeks late and I had been praying fervently for a baby. Hoping and praying is an understatement. I would actually go as far as saying that I had mentally set up a shrine towards the idea that I may be pregnant. The fact that my husband had a vasectomy 2 yrs ago and I just recently got off birth control (the meds of choice by my dr. to control the growth of a uterine tumor) made the idea even more exciting, that maybe this was a miracle from God. I mentally immersed myself in that.

So with all the issues at hand i attended the retreat in good spirits. Some where saturday those good spirits ran and hid. The fear of being away from my children finally caught up with me, and then came the issues that shattered my weekend.

I started to feel out of place in a camp full of wholly women. It became apparent to me that I was being attacked by Satan. But not until later.
All the emotions of my potential divorce and loss of friends earlier this year started to creep up on me. (The decisions I had made.....)
It was then that I felt removed from the retreat, separate, ashamed, unholy, unwelcome, out of place....alone. (just to share a few)
Some one pulled me aside and we talked....It was then that something was said,...I know it wasnt her intent to hurt me or make me feel the way I remained to feel the rest of the day...but it happened. I was told that "I couldnt come back to my circle of friends and think I was welcome or that things would go back to the same old, without first talking to them and apologizing for how I had hurt them"....or something to that effect. Thats how I took it anyways.
I then felt stupid for trying to fit in, trying to go back to coffee group, trying to talk to these people like we were still friends and like nothing had happened. I felt so ashamed....I cried. I cried for a long time. And then mentally removed myself from the weekend.

After a few hours I realized that things hadnt changed after my long pathetic sob, I started to feel inadequate and alone, and missed my husband immensely.

I realized that once the night had drawn to an end I would have to face the person(s) that I was feeling so upset about and it would mean I would have to either face it head on and take whatever was said to me and accept it, try to explain myself and apologize...or ignore it, hope that she hadnt noticed the commotion, and go on until the retreat ended. Either way it wasnt going to end happily. I couldnt hold my emotions together even sitting next to these women during the speakers presentation. So, i packed my bags, my pillows and my pride and left...

I still dont know entirely how to deal with it all. I definitely am too afraid to face each of these girls head on and admit that I was wrong. I cant even say aloud to myself that i may have hurt these people. I never intended to, and to know that I hurt them, to know that I potentially lost all of there trust, all of there friendships, all of the close unmendable relationships....
I am ashamed. I am afraid, and whether its Satan playing on my faers and emotions or whether it is my own insecurities.....I dont know.

To top of the night, I sent out individual texts, in which I received no responses, no one asked why I left, No one even seemed aware.
Once I got home I disintegrated into my husbands chest and cried and cried and cried.

Then I started my period.


The weekend was long, and painful, and not what I had expected or wanted...

To those girls of my coffee group(my old friends), to the girls I confided in every Friday, some of you everyday, to The girls I let down, hurt, lied to, ignored and ran from.....

I am sorry. I am sorry with every ounce of my being. I am sorry if I hurt you. That was never my intention. I am sorry. I dont know how I made any of you feel because none of you explained it to me. None of you told me or expressed what my decisions did to you. I dont even know if they did anything, if you cared enough to be affected. But by the advice of one girl and the push of God, I am sincerely apologizing. I am sorry for any trust I broke and things i may have said.

I cannot and will not beg for friendships, I will not hope things get better, I will not hang around thinking things are fine just to find out there not, I will not feel alone or spend extra time worrying that we are actually friends and that there's no "fakeness" in it from one side or another. And I will not be some kind of pity subject where your my friend because its the christian thing to do. This is my pride now.

I have made my amends with God, I have healed a very broken marriage with my husband, and I have done whats best for my children with every breath i take every day. I have cried endless tears and dealt with an open bleeding would that wont heal, for a very long time. I cannot devote this much pain anymore.

I dont want to name you all, i dont want to single anyone out, but please know that if you attended coffee group, if you were there by my side when my life fell apart....I am sorry.
It was brought to my attention that I hurt one of you very much......you never verbalized it. How would I know....
To you , I cannot even come up with an excuse that I feel justifies the last year.....To see that you have moved on, that I am longer the one who you confide it, joke with, hang with....It hurts. To see that the girls I used to love no longer have more than a wave and hello for me.

This is the best apology I can give right now. If you do not except it, then I will not be offended, But I also wont try again.

This weekend came a close, with the hope of a new week, but also with the pain of a family issue.
I look forward to knowing God has an end for all of our emotional pains, our faults, and mistakes, our sins, and imperfections..