Lately....

Its been awhile for me and Blogger. Infact Its been a while for alot of things. Lately, Geneo and I have been having our fill of road trips. We do love them. We are definitely a road trip family, I love the cool nights breeze and the way the sun looks in the morning coming over the desert. We have been to the river about 4 times. Cant beat it. Its a great family event and the kids absolutely love it.
Joshua and Savannah are in school(and have been since November) They love it. The school up here in Julian is incredible. The teachers and staff are incredibly welcoming, the principal opens the door to my truck when I pull up to help the kids jump out, The teachers call to tell me a weekly progress report, my kids are actively involved in so much. Savannah has recieved 2 awards for running 3 miles each. And will be recieving a super student award this thursday. Joshua has been Star of the week and Line leader. LOL. Thats a big deal for him. :)
So over all, The kids are doing great. Chey turns 3 on Friday, can you believe it and she cant wait to start school. When I help out in Joshuas class she sits in group and pretends shes part of the class.

As for Geneo and I, We couldnt have had a harder last year. We split up, Screwed up, Made mistakes, Got back together, and started looking for a new beginning. We decided that moving the kids and ourselves up to Julian would be a good idea. Get away from the drama, the gossip, and most of all the division. I watched more division happen in right in front of me with people i seen as friends then i could believe. And it wasnt just with me. It seemed like maybe saying good bye to that was a good idea.
Anyways, We found this cute little house and went for it. Well everyone, we survived the first winter. Its cold. lol. Weve have snow more times than i can count, frozen pipes, slippery driveway, no school for snow days. Rain, massive amounts of leaves..etc etc. But its been a blessing.
I have wonderful friends up here. I met a girl thru our kids class, and she has proven to be a blessing entirely. Her husband and mine are inseperable, and our children are all the same ages. (7 kids total)
Ive been asked to sell my pies at the farmers market in a permanent booth, but am still praying on that, also to sell my organic granola mixtures in a store up here) (Ive been told to contact one of the winerys to discuss business options and had a 20 yr pie maker for moms pies tell me that my pies stood up to and surpassed those that she makes everyday) I was flattered.
I will be joining in the pie contests, and cook offs up here. It has turned out to be an amazing move. The Lord has blessed not only our NEW beginning but out relationship, our kids, and our friends.
My marriage is in complete bliss. My husband and I have found what it is we had been looking for all along. And I owe all this to God.

Last year, I was bitter( and I am sorry to those that were effected by that), I was mad and hurt and fell apart quite regularly. I thought that when I had a falling out with a friend that I would hurt for a long time. And competing for her friendship seemed to me the only way to get back my sanity. To feel like I was still Miranda, Like I still belonged. But as time went on , I realized, I knew nothing about her. I knew the outside, and I knew the fascade. Becuz somewhere in the relationship we had, we seperated and we were no longer those same people.
And the more I tried the more I failed. Eventually all the praying and tormenting myself i did made sense. I was praying for this relationship back the way it was....I should have been praying for other ones to be healed. I prayed for my spot back in this circle, instead i had to stand on the outside of it, and that allowed me to look in on what I would have missed from inside it. The division between friends, the gossip about girls who didnt even know they were being gossiped about, the pointing and laughing (and believe me, as a christian woman we are not perfect but we are perfectly capable of judging, no matter how much we pretend we dont)
When it came down to it, some people were better off merely acquaintances, and some of you will always be friends, special and sincere, something that allows me everyday to say, :Lord,...I strive to love you that ways and to balance out my life for you".

Bottom line, I have found what was in front of me for so long. And I am so blessed. Without the Lords Guidance, would I still be there, would I still be pointing and laughing, judging the way someone raised their kids, or how they dressed them, or who they talked to. Would I still be the Miranda I was then instead of who I am now. I thank the situation, and I know God put me there for a reason....So that I could come out of it with my head held higher, loving and praying and enjoying the blessings. '
Hope everyone is doing well, thanks for the venting time,
I will update on the pie business and let you know how its going.

&*%#%@ ANgRy..and upset

Torrey and our Father, At his Graduation Ceremony.

Graduation Display

I am so mad, i am so hurt and i am so utterly pissed off that i could scream. Even better I could potentially punch someone square in the face repeatedly and not care about the damage it would cause.

I understand as a christian I shouldnt say or think those things but right now i am so MAD!!!!

My brother, Torrey Everett Rucker, age 21 has been deployed.

This is the email that was mass forwarded from my dad, who recieved this morning.

Dave,

Torrey deployed last night Georgia time around 9 or 10 pm. He is headed to Germany, from Germany he will go to Kuwait. He will stay in Kuwait for 2 weeks then, they will helicopter them into a town near South Baghdad or, they may get an order change while in Kuwait and be re-routed to Afghanistan.

He wanted me to notify you after he deployed and not before, he was very specific about that.

He said to tell you that he loved you and when he feels ready to contact you he will.

Madelyn

Madelyn, For all intensive purposes is my brothers adopted mother.

She had a son, named Pierson. Well unfortunately , Pierson commited suicide several years ago. He had had family problems quite frequently and was lost somewhere in his heart amidst all of his issues. (I pray hes in Heaven with our Lord)

Anyways, after Pierson died, Madelyn moved my brother into his room. And out of our lives. My brother felt responsible for the death for so long that he went along with the plan to comfort the family. Torrey began wearing his clothes, sleeping in his room, all of Piersons belongings became Torreys.

Torrey was the new "Pierson"

In the midst of all this Torrey slowly disowned us. Said we werent good enough and that because these people bought him a motorcycle, a truck, and did whatever he wanted they obviously were better suited to love him. They even bought him a house, coincidentally Torrey signed over his 400,000 dollar life insurance policy to their elementary age daughter(His sister)

He decided to join the military shortly after highschool. He is stationed in Goergia. When he comes home for visits or vacations, (the last one was over 6 weeks long) He wont see us or visit. He wont answer our calls and says that they are to do the same.

The last time i talked to my brother he said I was a disgrace for getting married at 18 and having children and that I should of done something with my life like Madelyn and Billy did.

He said everything that every happened to me I deserved because I never stopped things or that My kids were FU**** up like me.

He broke my Dads heart by telling him that "Billy" was a better dad. and How My sister was a loser too. Obviously we dont match up to these upstanding citizens.....

So after months of trying to get ahold of him finally i decided to contact The MOTHeR>

This was no help I left message after message and my email address and phone number multiple times. Instead of calling me back she waits a week and then sends the email.

I find it sort of imparative for us to know my brothers leaving before he leaves. Not after hes 1/2 way acrossed the country soon to face a possible death leaving behind so many broken relationships. And madelyn and Billy, They dont care. Theyve actually encouraged his hatred towards us making excuses that we just didnt know what we had in him, and shell pray for us.

AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

i CALLED HER AFTER I RECIEVED THE EMAil AND HER DAUGHTER ANSWERED. ONCE SHE FOUND iT WAS ME THEY SAID THEY COULDNT TALK AND HUNG UP.

My brother is worth a 1/2 a million dollars to these people and a replacement son. So why would they care if he has his old family. The one that is impervious to anothers suffering and emotions is the bEST one right!!!!!!!!!!

I am so mad. I am so hurt they we find out after hes gone. NO apolgies or explanations, no remorse, or chances to fix whats been broken or unmendable.

**********************************************************************

Please keep him in your prayers. My brother left as an Infantry Soldier for the US Army.

Lets hope he comes back one.

My brother at Christmas 07. One of the last time I seen him.

I seen him a couple months after this when he went to boot camp. And that was the last time.

When he came back for the last 3 visits, he hasnt told me.

Somethings, ...hurt in more then one way!

I have hit an emotional brick wall, One that leaves me shattered and completely torn.
I encountered an issue this past weekend. I didnt know it was coming, and it left me feeling quite divided.
I spent the week doing what needed to be done. My household chores, grocery shopping, preparing meals, doing laundry, Homeschooling, finding several minutes amidst the daily chaos to talk to God....Even the occasional meltdown privately in the tub where i potentially pulled out too much hair.....
I was relieved when this last weekend finally arrived. It meant that I had some time to get away from the chaos. To spend time with some of the most caring and wonderful girls. On the other hand, I was scared to leave the kids, to leave my husband. And the Fear of all the things that could go wrong, finally consumed me. The phobia I face daily of the multiple ways my children or husband could perish, the billions of ideas that could happen, the fear that when I was gone the whole world I created would come crumbling down. I know that its very unlikely and semi- morbid to even think, but that's an issue I face daily. A mental imposition, or imbalance that the world around will some how meltdown without my controlling every aspect of it. Sick I know.

I went to the Womens Retreat. Excited, Happy, but battling a phobia inside. Ready to encounter Gods message and make the most out of my time. Also with the constant thought that I had recently come upon the blessed dilemma that my period was now 2 1/2 weeks late and I had been praying fervently for a baby. Hoping and praying is an understatement. I would actually go as far as saying that I had mentally set up a shrine towards the idea that I may be pregnant. The fact that my husband had a vasectomy 2 yrs ago and I just recently got off birth control (the meds of choice by my dr. to control the growth of a uterine tumor) made the idea even more exciting, that maybe this was a miracle from God. I mentally immersed myself in that.

So with all the issues at hand i attended the retreat in good spirits. Some where saturday those good spirits ran and hid. The fear of being away from my children finally caught up with me, and then came the issues that shattered my weekend.

I started to feel out of place in a camp full of wholly women. It became apparent to me that I was being attacked by Satan. But not until later.
All the emotions of my potential divorce and loss of friends earlier this year started to creep up on me. (The decisions I had made.....)
It was then that I felt removed from the retreat, separate, ashamed, unholy, unwelcome, out of place....alone. (just to share a few)
Some one pulled me aside and we talked....It was then that something was said,...I know it wasnt her intent to hurt me or make me feel the way I remained to feel the rest of the day...but it happened. I was told that "I couldnt come back to my circle of friends and think I was welcome or that things would go back to the same old, without first talking to them and apologizing for how I had hurt them"....or something to that effect. Thats how I took it anyways.
I then felt stupid for trying to fit in, trying to go back to coffee group, trying to talk to these people like we were still friends and like nothing had happened. I felt so ashamed....I cried. I cried for a long time. And then mentally removed myself from the weekend.

After a few hours I realized that things hadnt changed after my long pathetic sob, I started to feel inadequate and alone, and missed my husband immensely.

I realized that once the night had drawn to an end I would have to face the person(s) that I was feeling so upset about and it would mean I would have to either face it head on and take whatever was said to me and accept it, try to explain myself and apologize...or ignore it, hope that she hadnt noticed the commotion, and go on until the retreat ended. Either way it wasnt going to end happily. I couldnt hold my emotions together even sitting next to these women during the speakers presentation. So, i packed my bags, my pillows and my pride and left...

I still dont know entirely how to deal with it all. I definitely am too afraid to face each of these girls head on and admit that I was wrong. I cant even say aloud to myself that i may have hurt these people. I never intended to, and to know that I hurt them, to know that I potentially lost all of there trust, all of there friendships, all of the close unmendable relationships....
I am ashamed. I am afraid, and whether its Satan playing on my faers and emotions or whether it is my own insecurities.....I dont know.

To top of the night, I sent out individual texts, in which I received no responses, no one asked why I left, No one even seemed aware.
Once I got home I disintegrated into my husbands chest and cried and cried and cried.

Then I started my period.


The weekend was long, and painful, and not what I had expected or wanted...

To those girls of my coffee group(my old friends), to the girls I confided in every Friday, some of you everyday, to The girls I let down, hurt, lied to, ignored and ran from.....

I am sorry. I am sorry with every ounce of my being. I am sorry if I hurt you. That was never my intention. I am sorry. I dont know how I made any of you feel because none of you explained it to me. None of you told me or expressed what my decisions did to you. I dont even know if they did anything, if you cared enough to be affected. But by the advice of one girl and the push of God, I am sincerely apologizing. I am sorry for any trust I broke and things i may have said.

I cannot and will not beg for friendships, I will not hope things get better, I will not hang around thinking things are fine just to find out there not, I will not feel alone or spend extra time worrying that we are actually friends and that there's no "fakeness" in it from one side or another. And I will not be some kind of pity subject where your my friend because its the christian thing to do. This is my pride now.

I have made my amends with God, I have healed a very broken marriage with my husband, and I have done whats best for my children with every breath i take every day. I have cried endless tears and dealt with an open bleeding would that wont heal, for a very long time. I cannot devote this much pain anymore.

I dont want to name you all, i dont want to single anyone out, but please know that if you attended coffee group, if you were there by my side when my life fell apart....I am sorry.
It was brought to my attention that I hurt one of you very much......you never verbalized it. How would I know....
To you , I cannot even come up with an excuse that I feel justifies the last year.....To see that you have moved on, that I am longer the one who you confide it, joke with, hang with....It hurts. To see that the girls I used to love no longer have more than a wave and hello for me.

This is the best apology I can give right now. If you do not except it, then I will not be offended, But I also wont try again.

This weekend came a close, with the hope of a new week, but also with the pain of a family issue.
I look forward to knowing God has an end for all of our emotional pains, our faults, and mistakes, our sins, and imperfections..

River Trip September

I always love our road trips. We usually visit Yuma twice a month for extra cirricular water activities.. We make the 2 1/2 hour drive thru Mountain, desert, and into Arizona to get there. The drive isnt my favorite.....Ive done it so many times that there is nothing new to look at, nothing exciting....just a long drive. lol. anyways, We usually leave friday Afternoon and make it there by dinner. We ended up going to eat pizza the first night. Saturday morning I woke up bright and early to a hot cup of Circle K coffee.....The best:) and enjoyed the cool morning breeze as the sun slowly schorched everything in its path. The kids ate there breakfast and we were on our way...We picked up some snacks and drinks along the way, but made it there by 8:00. Once in the water, every care you have melts away. We drug our tubes up stream and then floated down, passed our spot, and kept going.....After about 10 minutes of floating we decided to drag the tubes back before we ended up hitch hiking back..lol.So we stuck the kids back in the tubes, and shoved Dakota in the other tube. (He was panting and being a big baby...) Then we proceeded to drag them upstream against the current of the Colorado river....Nice.It only took us 3 times longer then it did to float down....Hahaha.Then we played til 2pm. After that we went to lunch/dinner with his dad at the Cracker Barrel. I love that place.When we gotback t our RV, the air had shut off and froze over completely....did I meantion it was 105 out there....We decided to take the kids to the park on the water and let them cool off until bed time. Then we went back and moved over to our Motorhome. It had 2 AC's....lol.The next day was pretty much the same. Early mornings, sitting in the rising sun of Yuma with my 5 star gas station coffee.....enjoying the slight breeze until like I said eventually that gorgeous morning turns into the slight resemblance of hell. By 7:30 we were jumping feet first into that glorious water...:)We spent the day there, visited some friends. Floated an hour down stream. We had parked his dads truck down there on the levy so we could float longer and the drive back..((.Much better Idea. ))Then we went back, packed up, washed the car and went to lunch at Pattis Diner. We were on the road by 3:30- and home by 6:00. Great trip, only wish it lasted longer:...next one is in October..woot. woot.

This is an old Post I found on My old blog thru Janets page...I still love it

I sit here quietly. And as I close my eyes, I feel my heart jump and then it begins to race.
Something in me begins to stir.
Its an old but familiar feeling. I can feel the thrushing movement of a galloping stud next to me. I feel him as he stomps the ground and throws back his head profusely begging me to climb on. So I do.... I feel his every movement beneath my thighs. My fingers intertwined in his hair as we run with no idea as to where we'll stop. I watch as the clouds come in and the warm rain begins to fall . I lay back on the stallion and let my arms hang as the rain washes my face. The smell of fresh water and pines filter through the air. I grab my horse again as we head to an old willow tree whose branches nearly touch the ground. We stop to rest under the old trees shelter. I lay there thinking of the freedom I feel. The tranquilty of the day, the secrets the world will tell if you just listen. Dusk begins to set in as we are off again trotting next to the river. I can see my reflection and that of the dark pink hues above me as they fight to hold on to the sky before the stars set in. I feel the warm breeze behind me pushing me home. I hear the wind wistling through the old willow as if he was saying good bye to me.
I open my eyes feeling the untamed spirit within me. That of a coyote always on the go, and that of a bird who flys high above the mountain peaks looking down on Gods creation. There,... a wild river inside my heart that races over jagged rocks and rushes through crystal clear rapids.
"LIfe is a Run away Train you cant wait to jump on"
And its so true. I want to enjoy every aspect of this world. The freedom that lies in it and every untouched, unexplainable adventure.
I cant wait to make love in the rain of a thunder storm, or travel the back country. To carve our initials in every tree in the forest,...To pack up, get in the car and drive, and to stop somewhere weve never been somewhere we know no one. And to start over,....
I love to look into to my husbands eyes, see the fire, and wildness we both harbor. The chase is the best part....And when he catches me and wraps his arms around me and looks at me as though it was the first time hes ever seen me. I get lost every time he does.
My heart beats wild within me as I think of running through a field of wild flowers. Of just geting up and going. Theres so much undiscovered territory out there, so many adventures calling out to me.
God has blessed me with the same wild spirit that runs in the blood of those before me.
And this untamed spirit I hope to pass on. The knowledge of beauty, of art, of passion.
The purpose of love, ...
As I sit here and dream of the years left to come and the experiences left to have.... I am thankful. Thankful God allowed me to go down the path I went, and to learn what Ive learned. It is those years that I will never forget. Those years that made me who I am.
It is the experiences Ive had and the survival insticts that allowed to face every chance and let my hair down and my arms spread open to the world. I will alway invision myself atop the wild horse with the untames spirit that we share. And some day when my children are grown, I will open the door that continues to knock....and I will again embrace the heart stopping adventure I once knew,..... Until then, I can only dream and blog about the fire that burns inside of me, beging to be set free......

Redoing my Blog

So, I know I used to have a blogspot....I used to have a facebook too. But time moved on, life changed and I forgot all the passwords and usernames. So I am starting a new one. Evidently it is the cool thing to do...LOL.

A little about me. Im 24. A stay at home mom who homeschools 2 of my 3 children. Im married. A marriage that against all odds, including sin, and the influence of (Satan at times), has managed to make it thru it all. We are going on 7years together and I am excited. Anyways, this is just an introduction one to make sure Im doing it right:)..

Ill be blogging later:) Have plenty to vent about>...xoxoxox
me